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If you have recently had a baby, you know how much those first few weeks are dedicated to survival and survival only. Hopefully, in the not so distant future after having a baby, you will have that elusive night out. This will likely be your first night feeling human again, after weeks of being depended on 100% by your new baby and other children.

We recently had a nice, long night out (a family wedding) which reminded me of how life is quite different since having another baby. These are 9 Hilarious Truths About Going Out For The First Time After Having a Baby. 

1. You Begin Preparing, With Determination, A Week In Advance. 

This includes a series of Spanx lunges while trying on pre-pregnancy outfits that you pray will still fit along with executing pumping marathon sessions in order to stockpile enough food for your newborn. And you'll constantly worry all week how about much food your 90th+ percentile baby will guzzle while you are away. 

2. You Get Ready And Then Become Unrecognizable To Others. 

At least unrecognizable to your dog, who knows the new normal is you in a bathrobe and mom bun, just doing what you can in order to get through each day with a new baby. Once dressed for your event, your pup may greet you with a not-so-warm and welcome bark sesh as she quickly tries to identify who this stranger in her house is. Even the baby will have that "Are You My Mother?" look in her eyes. 

3. You Plan To Dance Like No One Is Watching

Because they aren't, right? Right??

4. You Secretly Hope You Hear "I Can't Believe You Just Had A Baby!" 

Even if you know this is only being said because of your above average ability to Spanx-wrap your entire body and because the lighting is just dark enough to hide the bags under your eyes. 

5. You Take Advantage Of Only Needing To Feed Yourself. 

For this one night and one night only, you do not need to cut up a plate for your toddler while nursing your newborn. As a result, you have two free hands, and you end up consuming four mini sliders, two meatballs, three sundried tomato puffs, five slices of table bread with butter, your dinner salad, your chicken and horseradish potatoes entree, half of your sisters chicken, two pieces of wedding cake (red velvet and strawberry shortcake), tiramisu (just one of those small Italian-style squares) a chocolate covered strawberry, and then a late night beef hotdog and fries. But it's okay because you're nursing, and need a few extra calories. 

6. You Pump And Dump With Confidence

You have done a lot of reading on the need to pump and dump, but you dump that 10 pm pumped White Russian with confidence knowing that those milk test strips would give an audible laugh if you even tried. 

7. You Admire The Pregnant Beauties In The Room 

All while being relieved to NOT be pregnant at yet another wedding. Another round, please!  

8. Your Table Mates Speak Of Their Recent Lavish International Vacations

And all you can think about is your upcoming road trip to the Michigan cottage. YOLO!

9. You Wonder Why Your Husband Can't Take A Photo To Save His Life

This is as good as it is going to get when it comes to documenting that first night out after having a new baby! 

Are you a new mom? Do you know a new mom? Check out these NECESSITIES!! 

1) Bath Bombs

I have a toddler who LOVES to steal my bath bombs. I can't tell him no, so I scoop these up since the price for 14 is so good! 

2) I Just Want To Pee Alone 

Truer words have never been said. This quick read will have you LOLing all day long!

3) A Cheese Board Serving Plater For Hosting

Just kidding. This is not for new moms. New moms should not be hosting! Instead, scoop up this cheese board and bring it fully loaded to a new mommy friend. And then do her dishes and move a load of laundry while visiting! 

More Great Reads Here At First Thyme Mom!